Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
