I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
