i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
