can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
