Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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