I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
