So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
