Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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