K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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