she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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