Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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