he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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