Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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