btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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