he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize