dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
