I accidentally had phone sex last night
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You made out with two different species that night
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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