A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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