this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
My penis needs a shock collar
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
