where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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