im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
sex in a hospital.. check
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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