On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
