I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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