Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
a search helicopter?!
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
