We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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