It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
