Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
