I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
