I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
