If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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