i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
