So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
