Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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