She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
