Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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