I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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