Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
