Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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