His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Randomize
