My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
