you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
