You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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