god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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