You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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