dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Randomize
