i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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