I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
