I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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