Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize