The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
