From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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