She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Randomize
