I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize