Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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