How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
My breath smells like gin and sadness
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
