I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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