just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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