I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
