Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
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