Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
