i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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