Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
