I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
