i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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