Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize