??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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